“The lunatic is in my head, hahahahahahaha”
“There’s someone in my head, but it’s not me.
And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
you shout and no one seems to hear
And if the band you’re in starts playing different tunes
I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon.”
I’ve always been a lonely guy, but since my life has hit rock bottom my loneliness has an all new high. For the past three months I’ve been trying to collect the broken shards of my life. I am a complete mess, both physically and mentally. This addiction, which I thought wasn’t possible, has affected my life a lot in many ways.
I started smoking weed in my first year of college. It started as once in a week thing and we used to smoke it ‘just for fun’. I knew drugs were bad, but never knew why. Moreover, everyone said marijuana is not addictive. This is a myth. It is addictive and I don’t give a flying fuck if you don’t believe me. I loved weed and so we started smoking it frequently. This gradual habituation turned into addiction. I never regulated my marijuana usage because I was convinced that there are no health effects and no addiction. Getting high was fun whether you hit the bong or smoke a joint.
Well, smoking weed has changed me. My music taste changed. My personality has changed. There was a point in my life when I didn’t care about anything. I just didn’t give a fuck. I hated the ‘system’. I hated going to class. I was on bad terms with my professors. At that point of time I was high all the time. I would get irritated if weed was over and there was nothing left to get high. I wanted to be high all the time. My life was going to be a train wreck. I just cared about weed and music. But you know life is full of ups and downs. My ups were over and I started going down. Solitude amused me and society repelled me. I started hating the company of other people. I became paranoid amongst others. I stopped trusting other people. And then the bad trips started. It was a regular day and I was smoking pot as usual. Suddenly I felt I was losing control of everything. My head was spinning. I couldn’t recognise my own room. Strange patterns were appearing in front of me. I wanted to go see a doctor, but I knew I couldn’t. I just wanted it to end, but it seemed like eternity to me. The high came down after an hour or so. I was never this afraid in my life. I would feel anxious whenever I smoked. I would become paranoid and delusional. I felt as if I’m going to die soon. My heart would race every time I smoked. My life started becoming a bad trip and one day, I decided to quit.
Withdrawal was worse. The night sweats, insomnia, irritability, restlessness, absurd thoughts, anxiety, heart palpitations and worst of all, depression. It was a living nightmare. I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder with moderate depression. I was prescribed pills which I never took because I didn’t want to replace marijuana with pills. I just wanted no drugs in my system.
Life has been tough but things are beginning to make sense now and I hope everything will be okay. I know now that life is a journey and not a destination.
Marijuana is a powerful drug that sometimes empowers you and at times overpowers you- the choice is yours, to consume or to be consumed.